his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
