He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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