my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
