i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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