I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
