This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found your dick twin last night
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I have post one night stand depression
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
