On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
