Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Farmville is her only friend.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize