Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
