I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
