Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
