When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
