I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
