i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
