found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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