This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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