my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
