Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize