oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
