My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
