Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
