OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
