remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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