i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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