he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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