She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
