so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
