I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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