I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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