Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
