I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Randomize
