Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
