I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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