I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
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