Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
