I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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