Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
