Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
