Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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