Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
