It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
she told me i tasted like america
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
