Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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