WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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