Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
4 words: hood of his car
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
