You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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