I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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