sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
