oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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