Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
