his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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