alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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