U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
