I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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