I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
