I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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