I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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