They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just want nice things and good sex
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
