Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
