No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize