U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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