Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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