bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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